


Forced to Listen

by LangstonHugeD



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Arc 7 spoilers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, sufferu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29770044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LangstonHugeD/pseuds/LangstonHugeD
Summary: Anastasia's greed in the Taygeta Library leads the Emilia camp to a horrific discovery. When Subaru reunites with his loved ones months later, what will he find waiting for him back home?
Relationships: Emilia/Natsuki Subaru, Natsuki Subaru/Rem
Comments: 52
Kudos: 193





	1. Forty-five, Forty-six, Fifty

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Neisseria_Meningitidis for being chill with me posting this since it has a similar beginning to his cool AF -NATSUKI SUBARU- story.  
> What a guy.
> 
> This is concurrent with cannon until halfway through chapter 1 of arc 7, I’m not going to re-write Ice/Ringo/Negi/Hedgi’s sick AF translation for the first part of this fics chapter 1, so bits and pieces of dialogue are interjected straight from the web novel into the first few paragraphs.
> 
> Jaime if you're reading this you will be punished.

_There were forty-five of them piled up here I suppose_

The Spirits voice trembled.

_W-why are there now forty-six?_

________________________________

Emilia: Ram… Where did Subaru and Rem go? They’re safe, right?

Standing by Ram’s side, Emilia peered into the area where the Green Room had previously stood. Ram wasn’t able to answer her question straight away, even though she knew that her painful silence itself served as an answer.

When the camps had come back together, they were tired and disheveled. But oddly enough, not disheartened. They had important business to attend to, things that couldn’t wait to be discussed.

Anastasia: Beatrice-chan, are ya alright? Ah wait, no, it ain’t propa’ of me to use a word like “Alright”. But still, ya haven’ gotten ya’self into a panic, no?

Beatrice: …Betty panicking wouldn’t mean it’d bring back Subaru and Rem, in fact. Right now, the main issue in question is messing up our first move due to panic, I suppose. I’d specifically like to avoid that, in fact.

Anastasia: First move? By that, do you mean…

Emilia: …Bringing back Subaru and Rem. Taking action for that, yeah?

Anastasia raised her eyebrows quizzically as she tried to question Beatrice. However Emilia interrupted her, still while supporting Ram by her shoulder.

Emilia’s amethyst eyes pierced right through Anastasia, her eyes widening in surprise a tad at the intensity of her glare. She wet her lips with her tongue.

Anastasia: Dang, I thought you were gonna be dejected as heck, but that’s one helluva’ look you’ve got in your eyes. What d’ya mean?

Emilia:It’s really nothing complicated. Subaru and Rem ended up being swallowed by that shadow and taken away from us… Volcanica did drive it away, but he was just a tad too slow. Even so…

Ram: They didn’t die from it. I’m sure of it.

While still being propped up by Emilia, Ram opened her eyes and replied. Then she gently touched the part of her on her forehead ― the part where presumably her Oni Clan Horn had been ― as she let out an exhausted sigh. It was what served as the basis of her words, which felt full of conviction. 

Anastasia: The Oni Tribe’s… Ah, wouldn’t that be the sisters’ synesthesia? So you’re saying that you’re linked with Rem-san?

Ram: Yep, that’s right. Rem is alive… No clue about Barusu.

Beatrice: Subaru’s alright as well, I suppose! Betty can guarantee that, in fact!

Beatrice shouted in anger, almost red in the face, in response to Ram’s very Ram-like words. After all, she was Beatrice, the Spirit who’d made a contract with Subaru. Her words did have some credibility to them.

After confirmation between Ram’s Synesthesia and Beatrice’s contractual powers, the uncomfortable truth emerged. Subaru and Rem were stuck in Vollachia. In the best of times, Vollachia and Lugnica were stuck in a cold war. During the Royal Selection, there was a complete travel embargo between the two nations. Julius was privy to the founding of the treatise himself, and had no choice but to dashed Emilia’s hopes of a quick rescue mission.

Ram’s sister was stuck in an unknown land with a pervert, and Subaru was in the worst possible place imaginable for him. He was clever, had impeccable timing and a spirit that would never give up. But physically he was weak. They all knew it. Vollachia’s violent meritocracy would chew him up and spit him out, if he was lucky.

There’d be no quick and easy way here. Surely Emilia would be in an absolute hurry when thinking about the two people who’s status remained unknown…

Emilia: We need to move quickly. We’ll receive Volcanica’s blood and bring it back to Pristella… Then we’ll take the Gluttony we captured to the Royal Capital, ok?

Beatrice: Emilia…?

Emilia: I know Beatrice. I can’t help but feel reaaally, reaaally impatient. But we won’t be able to help Subaru and Rem out, even if we rush things here… We’ve gotta remain calm.

Emilia’s calm decision surprised Anastasia, just as it seemed she would have gotten into a panic. She gave a resolute nod at Beatrice, also similarly surprised. Her eyes were quivering, her voice was shaking a bit, yet she was giving it her all to keep a grip of herself. 

It was just like she was saying I’m not going to fold my arms together and sit back for even a second, if it means getting Subaru and Rem back.

Everyone was in a sullen mood after the meeting. Their friends’ lifeforce lay far to the south west of the Tower, somewhere trapped in the violent nation state of Vollachia. 

Emilia had made the right choice, and surprised everyone with it. They’d expected her to run around in a panic, leaping down the stairs to head straight to the rival nation to return her knight. But she had, after a deep sigh and more than a moment's thought, made a decision she couldn’t have made a year ago.

_This… isn’t easy._ She thought. 

Before Sanctuary, before Priestella, Emilia would have still known the consequences of jetting off into the bordering nation state. She’d studied geopolitics every day since coming to Roswaal's mansion. She still would’ve abandoned everything to save her knight.

What differed between her past and present self was maturity. Through Echidnas Trials she found her origins, embraced herself as ‘Just Emilia’, and had her own strength and determination catalyzed by someone who _actually believed in her._ The fruits of her growth had come to save them both in Priestella against the sin archbishop of greed, and in the end conquered the Pleiades Watchtower.

The first person to galvanize her into someone strong and independent was also the only person who’d ever had faith in her. At least until now. The warmth she felt towards him, the confidence she had to make the right decision, and the strength she had to carry on until they met again were not unrelated. 

Emilia gained strength, reminiscing about how far she’d come. 

Nobody else, not Roswal, not Ram, not even Puck had believed in her. She was eternally grateful for her father, but the uncomfortable truth was that she was stymied by him, he was too worried for her safety, too busy with shielding her from the world to ever have faith that she could grow. In the end, that faith was all she needed.

Her heart warmed at the thought of Natsuki Subaru. Not as a savior, or someone she owed a great debt. But a partner she could trust, and the first person to ever trust her back.

These feelings compounded upon themselves, and she was fully anxious to get to the capitol, Priestella, and then finally take steps to reunite with her distant friends.

But they couldn’t leave the tower yet. Not in their condition. The spirit in the green room, a godsend over the past days, had vanished. And everyone was worse for wear.

Emilia and Beatrice were picking up the slack healing Julius, Meili and Ram. Until Beatrice’s mana ran almost empty. She generated very little on her own, and the pittance of Mana she collected from Subaru… well that wasn’t going to be something she could count on for a very long time.

Nobody was in any condition to head into the Auguria dunes today.

So they waited, healing on rotation between Emilia's bouts of fatigue.

Emilia: Julius, are you sure you’re alright to be out and about?

Julius had been pacing around on the fourth floor of the tower since he had gained his second wind. Emilia could’ve sworn that he’d worn down a pathway of stone in front of the crumbled green room since she’d healed him.

  
  


Julius: Don’t worry Emilia-sama, I have to admit I’m not in peak condition. But the best thing to do for recovery is to get up a bit and put some blood back into your muscles. I’m only going for a light walk.

Emilia furrowed her brow, but let out a sigh when she realized she couldn’t stop him from spinning his wheels.

The Knight of Knights could not sit still and wait. It was not in his constitution, Subaru was right, he really was a ‘type A’, although the spirit knight had been less than pleased when the boy had explained what the phrase meant. But pacing in circles, he couldn’t deny it. He was just like his Lady. 

Beatrice and Anastasia also refused to sit around and do nothing. 

Julius: Are you sure you’re alright to walk around Anastasia-sama?

Anastasia: The heck? Didn’t I just hear ya say gettin some blood in my legs was the best way ta’ get back in action?

Julius: Yes but— 

Anastasia: No buts! I heard it from the Greatest Knight himself, so it’s gotta be true ain’t it?

She smiled deviously. Julius' self-sabotaging work ethic, his ‘Type A’ personality, had come back to bite him in the ass. Anastasia was in command of her body again for the first time in months, in a historic place that held knowledge from the great sage himself. She wanted that knowledge. An inkling of a brilliant idea had started to form in her head on how to best exploit this treasure trove. She was a merchant first and foremost, and knowledge was money. And money was power. She was just… _greedy_ that way.

  
  


And now it was safe, Emilia and co. captured the tower. It was ripe for the picking. 

Anastasia skipped towards the great staircase, with her exasperated Knight in tow. Julius felt a tug on his sleeve, and was surprised to see Beatrice beside him.

Beatrice: Betty should come too. Although Emilia subdued the great dragon Volcanica, and Reid is gone, we shouldn’t let our guard down within the Tower in fact.

Julius smiled, he held great respect for spirits. He was aware Beatrice held animosity towards his divine protection of Gathering Spirits, and was pleased at the opportunity to bridge the gap between them.

Julius: It would be an honor, Great Spirit-sama. 

He looked ahead at Anastasia who was already challenging the staircase and shook his head.

Julius: It would be wise to have you along for guidance.

Beatrice was not one to associate freely with others, her contractor and specific members the Emilia camp excluded. But she followed the pair. She was sceptical about the Tower’s mysteries, but she just needed something to take her mind off the uncomfortable distance between herself and her contractor. So she toddled along, lost for the time being without her person.

Anastasia: Od damnit, there’s no end to the bastards.

The petite purple haired girl placed one foot in front of the other, quads burning.

Julius: I can carry you, if you please my Lady.

Anastasi: Ain’t no chance in hell.

She puffed angrily. Despite her initial enthusiasm, the stairs were more than the merchant princess had bargained for, and the goings were slow. This suited the spirit just fine, her tiny legs couldn’t handle so many flights. And she’d be damned if she rode on julius’ shoulders. 

The guilt of failing her contractor, and stretching the rules of their contract to the limit bore heavily on her. They’d have to reform their bond when they were reunited, both had broken the terms of the contract. In just under a day, three of the five rules were already null and void. She hadn’t held his hand once today. Such a stupid condiion. _But it was so important._

After an age had passed, Julius and Anastasia had conquered the steps to the third floor. Beatrice… had not. They could hear the Great Spirit’s tortured breathing ascending from behind them. Beatrice was a fan of sweets and lazing about. She had only dropped in on Radio Calisthenics once before deciding they were _definitely_ not for her. In fact the most exercise she’d gotten in nearly half a century came from that cursed bucket game her contractor forced her to play. She still held resentment towards Subaru when she thought about that humiliation.

Anastasia whistled in wonder.

Anastasia: An infinite library, with tales from everyone who’s ever died?

Julius: Yes Mistress, but I have to warn you, the nature of those books…

Anastasia: Evil? Cursed?

Anastasia was happy as a clam, infinite books, infinite possibilities. But there was one in particular she was looking for. There wasn’t anything Julius could say which would dampen her spirits.

Julius: No, I wouldn’t say the texts are evil. But they’re not meant for us to tread over lightly. The memories of the dead, it was like I violated consecrated ground. The books are hallowed, but not meant for the living.

He looked at the floor and kept his head low. For him, who had experienced the effects of a Book of the Dead, he felt like he deserved to give the library the respect of a graveyard.

Anastasia paused. She wasn’t someone for pomp, circumstance, or much for the spiritual, despite sharing a deep partnership with a spirit. But her knight, from what little she had seen and what Echidna had told her, was someone who held himself to high standards of dignity and grace. 

Though honestly, from the description she felt as though he held himself in too high a regard, she wasn’t a fan of sticklers. She was in a very good mood, it would be great fun to poke this bear.

Anastasia: I’m not someone who falls for ghost tales, but I get yer point. Still, if whatcha say is true, the library’s got a _veeeerry_ special book in it that I _miiiiight_ just halfta’ read.

She wagged her finger in the air as Julius and Beatrice frowned. This was going to be trouble.

Beatrice: _Huff…_ What, _huff..._ book, in fact? Your spirit knight is right, the books are not to be trifled with.

The spirit was near the top of the steps and asked whilst struggling.

Anastasia: Ain’t tellin’. 

Her smile filled both spirit and spirit knight with chagrin.

Beatrice panted with her hands on her knees at the topmost step, only to watch Anastasia twirl with a burst of energy and skip into the great library before them.

Beatrice: You should watch after her I suppose, she is bound to be reckless.

Julius: …. Unfortunately I agree. It seems both our partners are headstrong.

Beatrice: My Subaru is leagues above yours in fact!

Julius laughed

Julius: My lady is prettier, yours… leaves much to be desired.

Beatrice was already red in the face and out of breath from climbing the stairs, and she was unable to respond except with a deep and furious pout. _That’s not true in fact_.

They found Anastasia rifling through the books, tossing them this way and that. Julius’ heart leapt out of his throat.

Julius: Lady Anastasia! Treat them with some respect! 

He saw in horror as she turned around. She was holding one of the Books of the Dead.

Julius: PUT THAT DOWN!

She turned to face him and smiled, a crooked smile which filled the knight with anxiety. He had a love hate relationship with Anastasia’s curiosity, and her grins had conditioned him like a rat in a skinnerbox. This one meant imminent mischief.

Anastasia: I’m only just rememberin’ ya, and yer already yellin’ atcher’ lady! What kind of knight commands his mistress!

Julius: Forgive me.

Julius bowed.

Julius: But for the love of the dragon please don’t touch the tomes!

She hadn’t opened any of the books, Echidna had told her what she knew about the books, and Anastasia wasn’t that stupid in the first place. But playing with Julius’ feelings just felt right. The merchant looked him dead in the eyes, then poked the spine of a book.

Anastasia: _Boop._

Julius: Anastasia! Please!

He lunged forwards to swat her hand away, only for her to hop back and laugh.

Anastasia: I’m just joshin Juli! Besides, there’s only one book in here I’m interested in. 

She turned back to the shelves and frowned.

Anastasia: But it looks like this could take hours.

Julius: These are the books of everyone who has died in the history of the world, there are millions. 

Beatrice: And no sorting system! Disgraceful in fact.

Her librarian sensibilities were both intrigued and repulsed by the great library. Untold knowledge that put Echinda’s library to shame, but organized haphazardly! 

Julius: It could take days to find what you’re looking for.Maybe it’s best we simply respect them from afar….

Anastasia: It would, if it were just lil’ old me. But not with your help! Besides, we still got time ta kill before the half-elf finishes fixin up the rest of her camp.

Julius: I feel as though I regret this already…

Anastasia: That’s the spirit! Don’t worry bout it, the risk to reward ain’t even worth considering. What I’m lookin for, well it’s the greatest boon any business woman could ever hope fer.

Beatrice: And what might that be?

The spirit was not particularly interested in the contents of Anastasia's book, rather she was already anticipating the trouble that would come from her curiosity, and the knights overwhelming meekness at stopping her.

Anastasia: If we find it, no, when Julius finds it-

Julius sighed

Anastasia: - I’ll let you know.

Beatrice: How are we supposed to look for it in fact, if we don’t know the name on the book!

Anastasia: Oh, don’t worry yer’ big ol’ forehead about it. Ya wouldn’t be able to understand the name anyways. Just look fer anythin ya can’t read.

Beatrice touched her large forehead, insecure, but said nothing. Despite her depth of knowledge she was unfamiliar with the antiquated forms of karraragian writing. Nearly all of Echidna’s books were written in Lugnican. 

What should have been days of searching took a shocking 30 minutes.

Julius: Lady Anastasia, I’m not sure if this is what you're looking for, but I certainly can’t read it.

He pointed at a book, lying on a mysterious pile of other texts strewn across the floor.

Anastasia: I called it, there’s no way my knight’d miss it!

Julius sighed again, as he was wont to do around his lady.

She called back from a few isles over. Julius heard the sound of small shoes clicking closer on the stone floor, until she stood next to him.

Julius: Well, is this it? I pride myself on my historical knowledge, but I’m not a linguist.

Beatrice: Betty cannot read it either.

Anastasia: That’s fine! Neither can I! 

Beatrice: WHAT in fact?!

Anastasia: But I recognize it, I’ve seen it before on artifacts. That’s a very special type of Karraragian. A very ancient style of writin’.

_The language of Hoshin himself._

On the cover of one book, lying on a large pile of others, was an indecipherable language. 

—- 菜月・昴 —-

Anastasia reached towards the book, nearly salivating.

Julius: NO!

He had been on guard, and swiped the book out from under her.

Anastasia: Give it here! 

She reached up and jumped as he held it over her head. 

Julius: I can’t do that Miss Anastasia, I… I remember what it was like to read from a Book of the Dead. I can’t in good conscience subject you to the same experience.

Anastasia tried to climb over him but alas, her tiny frame could not match Julius’ pure stature.

Anastasia: You ain’t subjectin’ me to nothing you priss! I’m makin’ my own choices! You better not forget yer station.

The last words came out stern.

She climbed down and stared straight up into his face, challenging him. Yes, Julius was looking out for her. She knew that, but from the short time she had known him she had become keenly aware of his protectiveness towards her, bordering on clingy and sexist. 

He was _her_ knight, and if this relationship was gonna work from zero he had to remember that.

Julius:... 

Beatrice: Your stubborn Knight is right, in fact. You can’t even read the name, how can you be so sure that this is the person you’re searching for in fact. Even then the risks of reading a book of the dead are great I suppose. Betty shouldn’t have to remind you of what happened to her contractor….

The spirit's voice trailed off. It hurt. His mind had slipped away, his promise to her lost, and his sanity had been on the precipice of collapse.

She was sure that only because it was Subaru, her Subaru, that he had found his way back. And now he had left Betty alone again. _Subaru broke his promise_ … She knew the thought was unfair, but Beatrice had been holding herself together as best she could. Self-pity and a bit of unfair blame wasn’t much to ask for a moment of reprieve.

Julius: I apologize my Lady, I can’t warn you enough not to do this. But I chose to follow you for a reason. I trust you with the kingdom and my life, I can trust you to make your own choices.

Anastasia unfurrowed her eyebrows. He was a talker alright, always could weasel himself into looking good. But she didn’t mind it, it was part of his frustrating charm. As long as he understood his place, she’d let it slide.

Anastasia: I know who the book belongs to. He’s the only one that ever wrote this language. Ya can see it in preserved copies of his notes.

Beatrice: Whose notes in fact?

Anastasia paused for effect. Hell, this was a historic moment. She’d take a page from Julius’ book and give it both the pomp and circumstance it deserves.

Anastasia: This book belongs to Hoshin o’ the wastes.

Julius looked incredulous.

Anastasia: I’d stake my life on it. ‘Sides, the books only let ya read em’ if you have a strong connection with the dead right? I’ve studied Hoshin all my life, if I can’t read it no one’ll be able to. ‘sides, if it’s not him nothin’ll happen.

Julius slowly relinquished the book. But he couldn’t in all consciousness hand it to her, so he began to set it down pettily on the pile. At the last moment he pulled his hand back.

Julius: Please let me make one request.

Anastasia: Fine, shoot.

Julius: Let me read it first.

Beatrice yanked on her drills and stamped her tiny foot on the ground.

Beatrice: Idiots! All of you! What happens if you end up like my Subaru, was watching him suffer not enough of a warning for you, in fact?!

Julius: Please don’t say that Beatrice-sama, I too couldn’t stand to see him lose his memories. I consider Subaru a friend, even if he can’t say the same. But this is my sworn duty as Anastasia-sama’s knight. 

Anastasia: All due respect spirit-sama, but we ain’t in the same camp. This is our own, internal business. We got our own goals and this is the pinnacle of mine.

She turned to Julius.

Anastasia: Gotcher’self a deal. Won’t work for you anyways, you ain’t a devoted student of Hoshin like myself.

Julius: It crossed my mind, but this is quite literally, all I can do to ease my concerns.

Julius stared down at the book. His heart was racing. There was no feeling quite like living out someone’s entire life. It was not a good feeling. Beatrice gulped, her warranted tantrum drew to a close as the aura of the room chilled to ice.

The Knight of Knights bit his lip, touched the corner with a white glove and peeled back the pages.

_____________________________________________________________

Subarus luggage hit the floor. 

_I’ve been back in Lugnica for four days. Haven’t even made it to the mansion yet._

But after seeing them across the street...

_I finally made it home._

Standing across from the hustle and bustle of the capital’s main-street were the people he’d been struggling to see for the past year. 

Killed by the crazy amazonians and Vollachian warriors in the forest, dying over and over from mana poisoning again and again until Rem figured out how to drain his broken gate. _God, asking her was like pulling teeth._ From executions and imprisonment, from humiliating himself in front of Priscilla for her help, to finally putting Vincent back on the throne and the long journey home. His loved ones were right there, smiling and laughing.

_It was all worth it_. Tears welled in his eyes.

They hadn’t seen him yet, Emilia had her hand over her mouth, stifling a giggle as Garfiel and Otto argued with each other. Ram stood nonplussed, as usual. Beatrice stood similarly unimpressed with her hand intertwined with Emilia.

Rem: Subaru, why are you crying?

Of course she didn’t remember them. Last Subaru knew Roy Alphard had been captured, but was still alive. He didn’t want to think of how the kingdom was handling the Archbishop, but judging by Rems stable amnesia it was clear they weren’t done with him yet.

Subaru: Rem, it’s… it’s your sister!

He smiled and shook her shoulders in excitement, trying to get her gassed up.

Subaru: A-all of our friends.

The blue Oni followed Subarus' gaze towards the Emilia camp. She didn’t know quite how to respond. Louise, still simple, tugged her forwards by the hand to run into the street. She must’ve picked up on context cues. But Rem pulled her back and slipped behind subaru.

Rem: Subaru, this is a bit embarrassing to admit, but Rem is afraid.

Subaru: That’s ok Rem, I’m sure it’s normal, though I guess nothing about our situation is really ‘normal’. 

He turned to face her and smiled.

Subaru: Ram may have forgotten about you in her mind, but not in her heart. She crossed the Auguria sand dunes just to get her little sister back. At this point if even you were if the first thing you do upon seeing her is fart— 

Rem: Rem is a lady! I do not pass gas!

Subaru rolled his eyes.

Subaru: —-she would think you were the best thing since instant noodles. Besides, Emilia’s a sweetheart and despite how he looks, Garfiel won’t bite. Don’t worry, your sister loves you, no matter what.

Rem put the names to the faces Subaru had described in detail for the past year.

Rem: That’s what I’m afraid of.

Subaru: I promise he only bites Otto!

Rem: No idiot. What if Rem’s not who they want me to be. What if Rem can’t live up to their love and expectations? They love the idea of Rem, but not even Rem knows who she really is, maybe she’s-- oof!

Subaru bonked her softly on the head.

Subaru: I know who Rem is, she is a stubborn, kindhearted girl who gives me endless trouble. Whenever she meets someone, be it a braindead archbishop loli or a scary eyed fool, she helps them. Even, no, especially if they don’t deserve it. See if you put it that way, they have to love you!

He held her hand, both breathed deeply in unison. Subaru waved towards the people he’d wanted to see most in the world, towards his adopted bro’s and tsundere sister, to the girl he loved and the spirit who chose him.

He gathered his courage.

Subaru: “Hey! Hey! Guys, it’s me! Subaru!

At the sound of his name, their heads turned sharply in his direction.

Subaru: I brought a present! 

He gestured behind him to Rem, who was timidly holding onto his sleeve.

Subaru: Another adorable maid for the mansion!

He looked down at Louise.

Subaru: And don’t be mad Beako, but I brought home another one! 

The group froze in place. Emilia covered her mouth with both hands in shock whilst Ram shot towards Subaru. Beatrice ran behind, hiking up her skirt as fast as her little legs could carry her.

Ram collided with the wary Rem, holding her in a deep hug. Louise began to climb on top of the sisters like she was a cat ascending a tree, but Subaru picked her up by the scruff and set her back down.

Subaru: Give em’ a second will you?!

Louise chewed on his arm absentmindedly. He winced from her sharp teeth. _I took the witch factor out of the girl, but she’s still a glutton at heart._

Rem’s eyes were wide, and danced up towards Subaru, pleading for help. She was confused and he was her only pillar of support. 

Rem: Wait, wait… onee… onee-san.

Ram noticed that her sister was not hugging her back, and pulled away. Perhaps she was hurt, perhaps she was disappointed. But whatever the maid was feeling she hid it well. Hiding pain and discomfort was her specialty, rivaled only by the black haired boy to her right, who in her excitement she’d paid no attention. 

Ram: Do you… no. This means Rem does not remember her Ram.

Rem: Rem’s sorry, I, I don’t really know what to think. I’ve been told all about you but please forgive Rem. She’s very unsure of what to think and feel.

Ram: Everything will be alright sissy. Ram hates to say it but I don’t remember Rem, not like Ram wants to. But since Ram first saw you sleeping, she’s always wanted to meet her sissy.

Rem started tearing up, there was something deep inside of her that hadn’t been consumed by gluttony. Whatever it was swarmed her with unfamiliar emotion. Her head ached.

Subaru: Big sis Ram, I never thought I’d say this but I’ve missed you. Honestly, I’ve dreamed of the day both my cute Oni’s would be reunited.

Subaru expected Ram’s normal harshness, a joke at his perversion or at his general expense. He was even looking forward to it.

Ram must have forgotten about Subaru, her eyes flashed towards him, then she grabbed Rem by the hand and pulled her forcibly away from Subaru.

Ram: Don’t come near my sister. _Monster._

She glared at him. Her eyes burned with conviction and an emotion Subaru had never seen reflected in their crimson depths before. Fear. Something inside him knew their reunion was ‘off’.

Subaru: Hey hey hey, that’s not very nice. I brought your sweet sissy back halfway across the world to you! On the way I saved a dying empire and got hurt time and time again! I think I deserve a little praise for once in my life!

Subaru was still hoping this was a bit. He couldn’t put together the pieces. She’d never been afraid of him, not even when she thought he delivered a letter of war from Crusche’s camp. She’d quickly assumed his idiocy was more likely than his betrayal. Yes, Ram’s disdain for him was real, but so was her friendship. Even though she rarely showed it openly. This was just part of their joke, her tough love right?

Ram: I’d tell you to go and die, but it wouldn’t do any good.

She pulled Rem behind her, and put an arm around Louise. She didn’t even know the child, but the reaction was almost instinctual. Subaru’s blood ran cold. _Those words, the way she said that. There’s no way, no, that’s impossible. She’s just being harsher than usual. She’s too embarrassed to admit she missed me too._

At long last Beatrice had crossed the distance between herself and her contractor. Former contractor, they both had failed to keep up the rules for more than a year.

She plunged straight into him, mirroring Ram’s embrace with Rem but with less than half the grace.

Subaru: OOOF! Beako I missed you, but I’m lucky you're a spirit! If you weighed as much as you should—-

He stopped talking, Beatrice was wailing like an infant, mumbling words he couldn’t understand. Her face was buried in his shirt, which was rapidly soaked in tears and snot.

Beatrice: I’m sorry I suppose!

That was the only thing he could parse from the rest of the garbled words. Subaru smiled softly and took on a more comforting tone.

Subaru: Shhhh, shhhh it’s ok Beako. I’m here now, I’m alright. We have so much to talk about, do you want to hear about my adventures?

Beatrice: How… how could you do it! Forty five, then fifty, and more… so many more. SO MANY! They kept growing, and growing, and growing in fact, even when we had to leave the Tower Betty knew they would just keep stacking on those damnable shelves! Forgive Betty, please, please, please!

She growled into his shirt in grief and frustration.

Subaru: ‘Damnable’? That’s some harsh language from my sweet Beako. But trust me I’m fine! Look at me, I even have this cool pin from Emperor Vincent!

He tried to show off the shiny, regal award broached on his chest. But Beatrice didn’t look up.

Subaru: There’s nothing you have to be sorry for, I could never be mad at my Beako! Unless, you found a new contractor?! I will not be netorared!

Subaru was joking, trying to liven up the mood. Staring down at the distraught spirit, Subaru felt horrible. _I left her behind…_

Beatrice: Betty would never contract again… not ever in fact.

Her words were interspersed with sobs, but they were dead serious.

Subaru: Woah, even after I’m gone? Me and Emilia's long line of children would be your contractors!

The spirit kept crying.

Beatrice: Forty-five, forty-five, forty-five right under Betty’s nose. Betty was _useless_ in fact. Completely useless…

Subaru: Beako, don’t say that. Look, I’m really sorry for taking so long to come back to you— wait, did you say forty-five?

Subaru was already primed by Ram. Even though it had been a year ago he still remembered when he, no, Louise, read through exactly 45 books of hell.

He took a step back. Beatrice nearly fell but would not let go of him.

Sweat poured down his forehead.

Subaru: Beatrice… what did you do?

The fear took him to another place. A shadow place that haunted him from Lugnica to Vollachia. The Jealous Witch was always watching.

Beatrice knew too much. He felt the phantom sensation of a hand caressing his heart. It was just an evocation of his memory, but Subaru knew that all too soon the skies would darken. The people he loved would be slaughtered, and the streets would run with blood should she be induced to wrath. 

Either she would crush his heart, and send him back to god knows where, or she would kill his friends. She would make a world where he had no choice but to return by death.

Beatrice: BETTY DIDN’T KNOW! Please forgive her, for failing you, for letting you— 

Subaru shoved his hand over her mouth. His eyes were dancing wildly looking for any sign of dark hands in the shadows.

Subaru: Beako stop! You need to listen to me, whatever you want to say, for the love of god don’t. You hear me! STOP!

His voice was raised to the point where Rem became concerned.

Rem: Subaru what’s wrong?

Ram: Get AWAY from him Rem!

She growled, and Rem looked back between her only friend and her unknown sister, immensely confused. She was nervous about their reconnection, but this is absolutely not how she thought it would happen.

Even in the face of Subaru yelling at her, Beatrice did not stop. Her muffled voice continued to pour through his fingers. Subaru looked up at Rem, unsure of what to say. _I want this to be a good first impression of Rem with my friends, but frankly that’s the last thing I’m worried about right now._

Subaru: It would take too long to explain. Beako please!

???: Subaru? 

Subaru had dreamed of hearing the chime of this bell like voice for months. But now, the sound of Emilia calling his name was reminiscent of a nightmare. Of the many nightmares where he saw her bleeding from the mouth, a corpse in his arms slain by the Witch for his transgression.

Subaru: Emilia-tan?

Emilia: I can’t… I can’t believe it’s you!

Subaru: Emilia, Emilia-tan please tell me you didn’t— 

Emilia: I’m so sorry Subaru! All this time, I didn’t know, I couldn’t protect you!

She ran up to hug him as well. Her beautiful face was contorted into surprise, relief, and anguish. At that moment, Subaru knew two things. 

The first was that Emilia knew. How much, and the exact details he didn’t want to guess.

The second, was that this life was forfeit. 

It would be best to get it over with before the Witch killed anyone.

He couldn’t go back in time to stop them from reading the books. His save-point had updated many, many times since then.

He had no idea why they were still alive in the first place, the Witch never granted him any mercy. She’d broken him quickly and strategically, training him to keep ‘their little secret’ like a dog with a shock-collar. Any time he became complacent, any time he even toed the rules, she’d punished him severely. Or she punished others.

There was a chance that like Roswaal, they’d picked up just enough pieces of the puzzle to stay alive. Subaru would not be the reason they crossed the Witch’s threshold of jealousy.

It was a split second decision, but in that second a thousand dead faces flashed in front of his eyes. Tears poured from them. Many of those faces mirrored the ones in front of him. 

Subaru pushed Beatrice off of himself, the only time he’d ever laid hands on her in any way but love, turned, and ran. 

Emilia: Subaru, wait!

Emilia immediately gave chase.

Beatrice: Please forgive Betty, don’t leave her alone again!

The spirit wailed impotently. Beatrice raised her hand grasping at her fleeing contractor. Emilia had just enough wherewithal to scoop her up and bring the spirit with her.

Rem had spent a whole year with Subaru. Knowing nothing, with no background, no allies or friends, he was her only confidant. They had overcome trials and tribulations and both saved each other's lives. Her feelings for him had again blossomed, not into the dependency she felt before the effects of Gluttony. But into a healthy level of teenage infatuation and trust. She couldn’t just let him go, not like that. Not crying and in pain.

She tried to run towards him. But her wrist was locked in Ram’s impossibly strong grip.

Rem: Sister let go!

Ram: No, don’t go near that man. You can’t trust him!

Rem tried to twist her arm away. She was much stronger than her sister and she could feel it. But Ram’s eyes burned, not in anger but in desperation. Pleading for Rem not to seek out Subaru.

Ram: Please Sissy. Have nothing more to do with him. We can be together again.

Rem: Sister, I hope this doesn’t impact our relationship. But I _can_ trust him. I… I love him. I owe him everything, and right now, I don’t know you.

Ram began to cry, she grit her teeth as Rem broke free and trailed after Emilia and Beatrice.

Ram: No… not again. Subaru, you can’t manipulate us anymore!

Ram slunk to her knees. She felt utterly powerless. She could kill Subaru in a second. 

But that would only send him back, arm him with information to poison Rem against her. She could never beat the reality warping monster. The incomprehensible beast that had played her and her camp like a fiddle. The others were taken in by his lies, their minds were muddied with grief. Ram wouldn’t fall to his tricks, not again. Not after she began to trust him, then learned the horrific truth.

In the end, there was nothing she could do against the _Sin Archbishop of Pride._ She slammed her fist on the ground as her long lost sister disappeared into the alleyway.

Compared to a normal man Subaru was athletic. His training with Clind would have made him a parkour champion back home, and he even managed to leverage those skills against heavy hitters like Regulus. But he understood that he could never outrun Emilia.

_I can’t let her see this._

He pulled a folding knife from his pocket. The slender blade had saved him from torment in Vollachian prisons time and time again. Suicide was never easy.

There was a time Subaru swore he’d learn to love himself. That he’d never do it again.

And then Vollachia broke him. _It wasn’t supposed to be this way, the pain was supposed to be over when I made it home._

He just had to make it around another corner as tears trailed behind him.

And he did. Subaru had several seconds at best to pull the plug, sink the blade into his carotid artery. 

_No, that won’t be enough_. He thought. 

_Emilia will just heal me, and we’ll be back to square one. I need to follow through. Even she can’t put a head back on a body._ He laughed morbidly as this Bad End came to a close, and bit his lip in preparation for the pain. 

He almost hesitated, he remembered Satella whispering in his ear to love himself, the version of him back in the tower who thought he was a hero. And above all, Rem, who had told him never to give up. He had fought so hard, and finally became her hero again. _And here I am, giving up._

But if this timeline continued they’d drag him back to the mansion and… talk. They’d talk about Return by Death. And it would all be over. An endless loop of watching them die, again and again. _I can’t be Rem’s hero if she’s dead, right?_

So he’d kill himself, send Rem to the Mathers Mansion and go somewhere. Anywhere where his friends weren’t around. 

_I don’t know when I’ll respawn. If it’s back in Vollachia, I can send Rem on a caravan home. Then… I don’t know. Kararagi perhaps._

_Yeah. Kararagi sounds nice_.

He thought as tears streamed down his face.

This would be the hardest death of all, but by far the most necessary. He wouldn’t be able to loop back far enough to stop this from happening. He’d never see them again.

He sunk the blade into the side of his neck, just below the jaw. Subaru was an expert after-all. He began to pull the knife across his throat.

Emilia: Al Huma!

Subaru didn’t even have time to feel himself freeze. Time simply stopped.

_________________________

Julius fell to the ground entranced. Anastasia to her credit, tried to catch her knight in her arms but as the weakest out of any member of any camp, even Subaru she had to admit, Anastasi was almost crushed and was forced to drop him.

Anastasia: Well, shit.

Beatrice: Nobody listens to Betty I suppose! 

Anastasia: He wasn't supposed to be able to read the book! Julius doesn’t know Hoshin-sama! Heck I ain’t even know if I could read it!

Anastasia shuffled Julius into what seemed like a more comfortable position while Beatrice fumed.

Anastasia: Should I close the book? Snap him out of it?

Beatrice: No idiot girl! Don’t mess with it at all! He’ll come out of the stupor, if previous experience is to be trusted I suppose.

Julius wasn’t moving, whatever he was experiencing was locked behind the twitching saccades of his eyes and his rapidly increasing heartbeat. Anastasia propped his head onto her lap and put her fingers through his hair. It was the only thing she could think of.

Anastasia: So we just… wait? 

Beatrice: That’s all there is to do I suppose. Betty has one thing she’d like to confirm, but she doesn't trust you not to befuddle the rules of the library further! So stay put in fact!

Anastasia had nothing to say, she would learn when her knight wakes up whether her plan was a good idea or not. Until then, the spirit was right by default.

Anastasia: What are you doing?

She asked Beatrice who was shuffling the pile of books that Hoshin’s tome was found on with her foot. She was careful not to directly touch or open any of them.

Beatrice: As expected, your foolishness knows no bounds. There is a problem in fact.

Anastasia: What, what’s wrong?

She was now beginning to really worry for Julius. He’d read the book for her, like a servant testing their masters dinner for poison.

Beatrice: How many Hoshin’s were there merchant-girl?

Anastasia: What kind of question is that? Are you stupid?

Beatrice sighed and gently slid one of the books over to Anastasia.

Beatrice: Who is stupid here I suppose… because according to the Library, there were dozens of ‘Hoshin-samas’

Anastasia’s face drained of color. 

_________________________________________________________

Beatrice was red in the face and sucking air. She’d made the long journey across the stairs three times today, the last two to collect the only healer with mana left in their group, just in case. Emilia, along with Ram and Meili were now crowded around the unconscious Julius.

Meili: He must be as dumb as your nasty-eyed knight.

Emilia frowned and chastised the girl.

Emilia: It’s not nice to call someone dumb, and Subaru’s nasty-eyes are nice!

Meili giggled, Emilia never seemed to appropriately deflect her insults away from Subaru. She nudged Julius with her foot, like she’d done so many times before to confirm that her targets were really dead.

Emilia: Meili! Why would you kick him?!

The unconscious Julius twitched on reflex.

Meili: As an expert in murder, my diagnosis is that he’s not dead.

Emilia: That’s not funny! This is serious. Beatrice, is Julius going to be alright?

Beatrice: The fool’s just got himself trapped living out an unknown person's life. He’ll come around, probably I suppose.

Ram: If he could read the book, it wasn’t an unknown person. Unless the rules of the library have changed after we’ve beaten it.

Anastasia: That makes sense, I don’t understand why there are, how many…. Forty-five of em’, but I do know that Julius don’t know anyone who writes their name in Hoshin-samas personal script.

Emilia: Why are there sooooo many books of the same name? Is it a family line? It could be Hoshin-sama’s family!

Anastasia: At this point, much as I hate to admit it, these books probably don’t belong to Hoshin. Maybe one of em’ does, hell I don’t know. But there’s just too much going on that don’t make sense.

Ram: We’ll just have to wait until your idio— your knight awakens.

Anastasia let the remark pass, both of them _were_ being idiots. Though Julius had tried to stop her. As concerned as she was, Anastasia was deeply curious. _What is he seeing now…_

Julius woke almost imperceptibly. Anastasia noticed just a twitch of his foot, like he had done after being tapped by Meili’s shoe. She could just barely feel the vibration through her fingers intertwined with his hair. 

Anastasia: Julius, Julius, ya alright?!

He didn’t speak, didn’t open his eyes. His jaw just tightened, and a sequence of minuscule muscle contractions oscillated up his body. Like he was shivering deep in a fever. 

Emilia: Julius?

Anastasia was beginning to panic as each of his involuntary spasms sent cascades of reactions through him. He was seizing, foaming at the mouth. She tried to hold him down

Anastasia: Spirit Sama! 

She looked up towards the great librarian in horror, defaulting to the person she could trust most when it came to the arcane.

Beatrice: Betty is out of mana I suppose, the brat must intervene in fact.

_This is what happens when nobody listens to Betty!_

Emilia was already by the Knights side, funneling whatever small remains of mana she could summon into him.

Emilia: It’s not working, the mana’s just coming back to me. He’s not injured, Beatrice please!

Beatrice: And why do you think Betty will be able to do something about it in fact!

Julius' violent thrashing knocked Anastasia down, and Emilia had to use her inhuman strength to pin him. No easy task, but at the end of the day Julius was just a man, and the half-elf was built stronger by far.

Beatrice: Fine I suppose!

She placed her palm in front of his forehead and the dark shadows of Yin magic pulsed from her hand. The writhing slowed. All that could be heard was the sound of Julius’ decreasingly erratic breathing.

Beatrice: This is why you don’t stick your head in a dragon's mouth in fact. I’ve calmed him, but it’s only a tiny bit of trickery, all I can do without my contractor here I suppose.

Emilia: Will he be alright?

The spirit frowned. 

Beatrice: His mind is in turmoil, Betty shudders to think about the contents of that book. Betty is out of her element I’m afraid. 

She looked around the library with a scowl. She’d been trapped for four hundred years, so much of the world was new to her. But she was a repository of an endless amount of knowledge. The magic in the Tower, and the Taygeta library in particular left her feeling like she was an idiot child.

Beatrice: He will not die, and it is most probable he will regain his senses momentarily. But the state of his mind is not something Betty can wager on, in fact. There are many souls who have lived lives of torment in this world, and these books are abnormal. As much as Betty wishes to smack him, he should be treated gently upon waking I suppose.

Anastasia:..... 

Now the merchant princess was feeling _really_ guilty.

As Beatrice predicted, Julius' breathing had stabilized, and he began to murmur. They were only quiet sounds from a dreamworld, but when his eyes opened, the words began to take form.

Julius: _usagi_ … 

Anastasia: Shhhh…. It’s ok

Julius: Usagi.

Anastasia: What’s that Julius? I can’t hear you very well.

Her voice was low and calming. Her knight had been through the wringer for her own greed. It was safe to say she felt responsible.

Julius: USAGI!

Anastasia keeled over, startled as Julius bolted upright. He twisted his hands in his hair and screamed at the floor.

Julius: THE RABBITS!

He slammed the floor with the palm of his hand.

Ram: Heh

She chuckled to herself from the sheer inanity of the first thing the man said upon waking up from such a serious situation. She earned looks of scorn from both Emilia and Anastasia. But they didn’t have any time to reprimand her. Julius began smashing his head against the ground.

Emilia: Stop that!

She grabbed him by the hair and lifted him aloft, it wasn’t a very dignified position for the knight but it was the only thing she could think of to stop him from concussing himself into a vegetable.

She looked with concern into his eyes. Only to see him staring at something far beyond her. His eyes had lost their regality. The nobility was replaced by the look of a scared, dying animal. Anastasia put her hands over her mouth, she too had seen his broken visage.

Emilia: Beatrice!

Beatrice: Betty has no more mana in fact, unless she is to dig within her own Od. Which she will only do for Subaru I suppose.

Tears streamed down Julius' face alongside a trickle of blood falling from a cut on his forehead. He cried and moaned, unable to stand whatever tortured reality he’d lived.

Anastasia: But Julius is strong, right? 

She asked no-one in particular. Her impression of him was that he really _was_ the Knight of Knights. Even if he was a bit arrogant, Julius had displayed immense mental and physical fortitude just yesterday.

Anastasia: You’re strong, Julius! You’ve beaten the tower, I saw ya kick Reid Astrea’s ass! Julius!

She pleaded to her knight. And Julius was strong, in terms of stubbornness and work ethic he was outclassed by one nast-eyed boy. His thousand yard stare focused on the half-elf before him. But he did not stop crying.

Julius: E-Emilia. Set, set me down please. I-I apologize for, for my undignified— 

He stifled back a sob.

Julius: —be-behavior. 

Emilia released him gently and put her hands on his shoulders.

Emilia: Ok, but you need to promise not to hurt yourself like that.

He took a deep breath.

Julius: I was in a fit of… panic, rage? I swear I did not know where I was anymore. I wasn’t in my right mind.

He looked up at the elf with a semblance of shaky conviction

Julius: I won’t hurt myself again.

Anastasia: What happened to ya? If you don’t wanna say, I understand. But I’d like to help you. After-all, ya saved me from that book. Awful Knightly of ya’ to protect yer princess.

She punched his shoulder softly and smiled. It didn’t reach her eyes.

Julius shuddered

Julius: I have just as many questions as you do, my Lady. What I saw was impossible… 

Anastasia: I’m guess’n it wasn’t Hoshin-Sama.

Her knight smiled, a little color returned to his face.

Julius: No, it was someone… else.

Ram: But it must have been someone you knew then.

Julius: Yes, yes it was. At least someone I thought I knew.

Beatrice: This is all very cryptic, Betty understands you are shaken but her patience is at a limit I suppose. Her interest in the book's contents is waning. The longer we stay in this cursed Tower the more time it will be before Betty can see her Subaru.

Julius flinched and looked down, his face twisted in shame. But not due to the spirits' admonishment. But at her expectation that she would meet her contractor again.

 _How can I deliver this horrible news_? 

Emilia: That iiiiiiis true. Julius if you need some time to calm down before telling us that's ok. We can talk about it while we’re eating dinner or packing up. Would you like that?

Julius: The offer is appealing, but I owe it to him, and you all, as his friends… 

He thought about the owner of the book, now dead and gone. Eaten to death by piecemeal from the ass out. _Were we ever really friends?_

Ram put her hand on her chin.

Ram: Who’s friends, did this book belong to someone we knew? My social circle doesn’t overlap much with yours. I don’t remember meeting someone who wrote their name in chicken-scratch.

Julius: I am… so sorry. I, too, am grieving.

His hands were balled into shaking fists.

Julius: Natsuki Subaru...

Emilia’s eyes widened. Beatrice’s narrowed.

Julius: The book was Sir Subaru’s.

The honorific wasn’t lost on anyone.

Julius: He was… consumed. The book showed me irrefutable proof that he is— 

The words choked in his throat.

Julius: — gone.


	2. I have no mouth and I must scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru wakes up in a familiar place after failing suicide. Julius tries to recount his harrowing experience in the hall of memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, chapter 2, electric boogaloo. Almost titled 'A tale of Capslock abuse'.  
> All comments/criticism welcomed, I'm not used to writing fiction so I need all the help I can get.
> 
> Jaime, do you know what a class E pain experiment is? Because if you read this, that's what I'll do to you.

Subaru woke to a very familiar ceiling. In front of seven very familiar people. Besides the company, it was the same type of morning he’d greeted a hundred times before in the Mathers Mansion. With two differences.

He was tied to the bed. And the people he loved were crying.

Emilia stood a few feet away from him, puffy-eyed and playing with her sleeve in unease. Garfiel sat in a chair, looking at the floor. Otto and Fredrica had a hand each on each of the blond boy’s shoulders, rubbing them gently as he forced out deep breaths. Each breath found itself caught on small spasms as he held himself together. He was a man after all, and men don’t cry. _Except Cap’n_. Frederica played with his hair gently as he reflexively sniffled. Petra and Louis were nowhere to be found. 

_Good_ . Subaru thought. _Whatever’s about to happen, this room is no place for children._

Rem stared at him with a look he hadn’t seen from her. Not from this Rem. He’d seen her like this a very long time ago when he was in the maw of an Ulgarm. Those first few weeks in the mansion, it felt like just as much of another world as Japan. She had just seen her best friend try and kill himself.

There was no ‘tsundere’ left in her eyes, only guilt, and despair. 

Ram was barely visible, hidden behind her sister. Subaru didn’t want to see her hatred towards him anyways.

Meili sat at the foot of the bed, he could feel them thump against the mattress. _She must be bored_ he thought, _well I’m glad at least someone’s feeling ok._

Subaru kept quiet and only looked at his friends through nearly closed eyes. He had to think, assess the situation before they could get involved. _They haven’t noticed I’m awake yet._

Each arm was anchored to a bedpost. The ropes were not overly tight and he was tucked in snuggly. He started running through his options quickly, hoping to come up with a solution before they realized he’d come to.

 _It doesn’t look like they want to hurt me_. He regretted thinking the worst of his friends, but it was an option he had to entertain by necessity. His circumstances were suspicious at best: his heart belonged to the Witch of Envy, whether he wanted her to have it or not, he possessed several Authorities of Sin, reeked of miasma, and was not from this world. Fantasies about that fateful day when he could, just possibly, tell them about Return by Death had been insidiously poisoned by this fear.

_They don’t consider me a threat. But…_

Perhaps the trust they placed in him was shattered. 

Especially Emilia. Subaru was unsure that her insecurities about her connection with the Witch wouldn’t darken her response. 

How would she react if he couldn’t explain himself if she thought the first friend she ever made only tried to know her due to his love of the Witch? 

She had sworn off the idea of being loved, and told him to his face she thought she was unlovable. The long and hard road for both of them to come to terms with what his love meant hadn't come to an end. Not by the time Subaru had been teleported to Vollachia.

It might be impossible for Emilia to rid herself of doubts that Subaru’s love wasn’t cruelly misplaced. That it lay with Satella instead. That the Witch who had ruined her life since the day she was born might ruin just one last thing. 

These were the doubts that darkened Natsuki Subaru’s greatest desire, to tell his beloved about Return by Death.

In the best-case scenario, they’d be hurt and confused. But they’d still trust him. They’d still love him. It was easy for Natsuki Subaru to imagine a world where everyone hated him. But it was hard for him to ignore the very real love he and his friend shared. If they still felt the same way about him that he did towards them… then there was only one outcome after they had read his books.

Questions, questions he couldn’t and shouldn’t answer. One slipped word from his friends, or from _him_ and someone would die. Everything about Return by Death was like walking on the edge of a knife. 

_Why aren’t they dead already? The Witch stormed the WatchTower when Louise knew about Return by Death, and she didn’t even talk about it with anyone._

Subaru thought of Roswaal, one of only three people other than himself to know about his ability to ‘loop’. The Witch hadn’t killed him, and she hadn’t always stopped Subaru from mentioning his deaths in passing, so long as nobody caught wind of Return by Death. It seemed that there was some kind of threshold at which the Witch’s jealousy would cause her to act. Like with Emilia, a full understanding of the power would certainly result in death. Roswaal knew about his ability to restart the world, but not about his deaths or relationship with Satella. Echidna hadn’t been eviscerated by the Witch because she was safe in the Castle of Dreams, the same was true of Louise while she was still in Od Lugna. He had suspected the only reason the Witch had left them alone in Vollachia was that Louise had lost her memories along with the majority of her functioning. 

_Maybe they know just enough, just enough not to incur Satella’s wrath. But they’re only a misplaced word away from dying. I can’t let them ask me anything._

Subaru went down a list of his options. Realistically, he only had two.

 _I can try and escape before they can start asking about my deaths_. It was wishful thinking, escape. But it was better than suicide.

Slowly, to garner no attention, he tested his bonds. They held firm. None of his powers could help him here. And he couldn’t risk Invisible Providence. 

_Not after what happened in the throne room._

The slow pacification of Petelguese inside of him had hit a snag. In a moment of rage and violence, Invisible Providence had been used as an Unseen Hand. He remembered the crushed head of a soldier next to Rem’s bisected corpse.

Getting it back under control had taken him two deaths. 

The Authority of Sloth now roiled in his Od, begging for freedom to practice his brand of diligence.

Subaru had only one option. To use the only thing that ever made him special.

His tongue slid between his teeth. 

_It was nice to see them again, even for a moment. Well, Subaru, this one’s for the memories._

He smiled as tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes.

??: That’s enough of that, in fact.

Beatrice put a hand on his. He turned and could just see her face, as she was only tall enough to peer over the bedside. That was why he hadn’t seen her. Beatrice’s face was a confluence of disappointment grief, anger, guilt, and sadness. The joy that radiated from the adorable spirit when he was around… that was missing from her expression, replaced with a heart-wrenching, stern countenance. 

He pulled back his tongue.

Emilia: Subaru! You’re awake!

She said in excitement, but her voice dwindled as she realized how heavy the conversation was about to become.

Emilia: You’re awake…

Emilia started forwards, needing to be close to him. If only to confirm he was really here. That he was safe. Beatrice waved a hand at the half-elf dismissively and Emilia backed away after some hesitation.

Beatrice: Betty can tell what her contractor is feeling, and she knows the sin you just tried to commit. 

Subaru: We aren’t like that anymore Beako. You don’t know what I’m thinking.

He tried to lash out as he backpedaled. Subarus' words were harsh, but the pet-name had inadvertently slipped out. 

Subaru: Our contract was broken, Beatrice. You can’t sense my emotions anymore. You must have been mistaken. We aren’t anything anymore.

He didn’t look at her. His voice was cold and clinical. If they knew what he was planning they’d shove a sock or wallet in his mouth. Even if they didn’t, Emilia might be able to heal him. All he could try now was to distance himself, hurt them until they left him alone. Just for enough time to commit his sin.

It was a tragic hail mary.

Beatrice: Do not hurt Betty, in fact. 

The spirit did not flinch from his cruelty or react in pain or sorrow. Her face was serious, her tone understanding. It was a stark contrast to the inconsolable sobbing girl he’d reunited with the day before.

Beatrice: Do you think I don’t know what you’re doing in fact? Trying to push Betty away? You would never hurt Betty, not on purpose, I suppose. Do you think that after Betty’s Subaru died-

Subaru: STOP!

He screamed in panic, repeating the word over and over as loud as he could. It was a feeble attempt to drown out Beatrice. To stop the inevitable. _Blood leaked from Emilia's mouth, her broken body was cradled in his arms._ The image had circled his dreams like a vulture. Now it bled into reality and threatened the spirit he loved like a sister.

Subaru: STOP! SHUT UP! PLEASE, STOP! STOP! STOP!

The boy screamed and flailed. The ropes burnt his wrists until rashes circled them. They in turn were ground down to blood and strings of skin.

His voice ran hoarse until the pleas dwindled to desperate mewlings. Beatrice waited him out. She waited for 400 years to find him, she could wait another few minutes for him to calm down and listen to what she needed to say. She pushed Emilia away as the half-elf rushed to hear him. There could be no interruptions. She needed him to hear this. 

Her tiny hands shook in fear as she called Subaru's bluff. _Please, let it be a bluff in fact._ Determination never left her brave face. _Please let him still love Betty._

Beatrice: Did you think Betty would believe that her beloved contractor struggled through agony and torment just to throw her away? You die— 

Subaru’s throat burned and his voice was like a dying candle. It was only a few words from being snuffed out.

Subaru: No Beako, you don’t know what you're doing. If you go any further, you’ll do something that can’t be undone.

Beatrice: — you died, over and over and over again. Just to see Betty’s stupid smile. My idiot contractor would never hurt Betty. Don’t push Betty away.

Subaru’s eyes were closed, he couldn’t watch her die. _Not my Beako…._ Her tiny corpse would rot forever in his mind. So he took another gamble. _Hello again, Petelguese._

Subaru: INVISIBLE PROVIDENCE!

It was his last trump card, that he never wanted to pull. Another suicidal decision that the Subaru who overcame the Pleiades Watchtower would never have made. That was a person who had promised to love himself, to say a dozen good things about himself for every word of self-loathing. 

But Natsuki Subaru always broke his promises. He’d relearned the _true_ value of his life the past brutal year. He was not the same man who conquered the watchtower. In the absence of his friends, he had regressed.

The dark cells of Vollachian prisons, the shadow of a guillotine in the evening sun. They would hang over him always, like a wave of burning pitch, or a sky filled with black hands. These memories would tilt his choices towards macabre self-sacrifice until his final death.

The phantom hand appeared. Whether it was guided by Subaru’s own will or Petelguese’s cruel diligence, he could no longer tell. The fingers wormed their way into his chest and crushed his heart.

Blood shot from his mouth.

What happened next was a cacophony of noise, Subaru’s friends shouted over each other as they came to terms with the inescapable truth. He had killed himself. Right in front of their eyes.

Beatrice: No! DON’T LEAVE BETTY! I want to remember, in fact! BETTY WANTS TO REMEMBER!

The spirit wailed, she fell to the floor and pulled her drills in front of her face to shut herself away from the outside world.

Rem: Subaru! What happened, someone heal him!

Garfiel: C..capn’? Why’s he bleeding!? Why’s he just laying there! CAPN’!

Garfiel was stunned, the boy stammered, unable to process his emotions. His face scrunched up into a knot as he broke and bawled aloud like a child. He didn’t even push Frederica as she squeezed him in a hug. His hero was dead.

Otto: Nats… Natsuki-san?! SUBARU!

The merchant looked around wildly, to see if there was anything that could stop the bleeding. But it dawned on him all too quickly that Subaru wouldn’t be making it.

Ram: Don’t think you can escape, bastard! 

She pulled out her wand. A loud slap reverberated as Ram staggered back, mouth agape. Her face stung from the force of her sister's hand.

Rem: Shut your mouth you bitch!

Ram held her bruised cheek, the wetness in her eyes from emotional rather than physical pain.

Ram: S-sissy?

Her sister only looked down on her, disgusted.

Rem: If you called him that, and Subaru is dead, I’ll _never_ forgive you.

The only one in the room who remained calm was one, blue haired child.

Meili: See you sooooon, Oni-san.

Even with a year of distance from slaughter, the little assassin was habituated to death. The words sent a shiver down everyone’s spine.

All the while, Emilia was screaming at him in denial.

Emilia: Subaru! Why !? You liar, YOU LIAR! You said you would be with me! You idiot! Do you not care that this hurts us, just because we won’t remember?! You always leave us behind! I DON’T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND ANYMORE! 

She desperately put her hands to his chest to heal him. But Emilia couldn’t weave his torn heart back together. 

Confronted with her complete inability to save her knight from himself, she cried at her own powerlessness. 

Emilia: You said you would always be with me.

Emilia: YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE WITH ME!

Her eyes glazed over, it was a look he'd seen before. Just once, long ago. As he lay dying, he could not turn away from the purple depths, and Subaru remembered the taste of death. Emilia leaned into him until her mouth was an inch from his ear. And whispered.

Emilia: _Liar._

Death took him a merciful second later.

________________________________

**A year earlier, in the Taygeta Library.**

It took everyone a while to process what Julius had said. Emilia, gullible as ever, was the only one to take the purple-haired knight’s words on faith, though she tried desperately to reject them.

Emilia: J..Julius, that’s not funny. Th..that’s a bad joke. Apologize right now, IT’S NOT FUNNY!

She yelled at him, unable to contain her gut reaction. Emilia stumbled as her world briefly shattered.

Julius: I’m sorry Emilia-Sama, there are many things I saw that confused me. And we’ll have to discuss them and sort them out. I’m not in my right mind at the moment, and I need to confirm some things with you, Beatrice and Ram. But what I said is true, Subaru is no longer of this world. 

The pretty half-elf fell to her knees and screamed. Ram clicked her tongue at Julius.

Ram: This is a _sick_ joke. I suggest you apologize quickly.

Julius: It’s not a joke! I would never do something so reprehensible.

Emilia: Liar! Liar! Julius, you're a liar! Subaru you’re a liar too! You said we— 

Beatrice smacked her on the back of the head with all the strength she could muster. Which wasn’t much, but it was enough.

Beatrice: And here I thought you had grown a bit, but it appears you are still Bubby’s brat I suppose! 

Emilia: B..but Beako, Subaru is—

Beatrice: Subaru is fine, in fact. Betty can feel his od from here.

Emilia: But Julius said— ow.

Beatrice’s small hand made contact with Emilia's head once again.

Beatrice: He said it himself that he was confused, the violence in that book, the stress from the last few days in the Tower. He may have mixed up the real world for the memories I suppose. Although I must admit, for a moment it gave Betty a shock.

She looked up from Emilia to glare at Julius. The man’s hand was at the bridge of his nose, he was pensive. 

_Could this have all been an embarrassing mistake?_ He thought.

_No._ The Rabbit. Roswaal. Emilia was there too, and Ram. He knew it in his bones. The vision before him wasn’t a fabrication of the mind. It wasn’t a pitiful coping mechanism, it wasn’t dissonance. He _was_ Natsuki Subaru. You can’t make up the feeling of something chewing through your guts….

Emilia glared at Julius, but when she saw the confusion on his face she softened. The poor man had gone through something traumatic, and he thought his friend was dead on top of all that.

Emilia: I’m sooooo sorry I yelled at you Julius, I just needed a moment to recombobulate myself.

Emilia almost waited for someone to tell her that “no-one says _recombobulate_ anymore”. Nobody did.

Julius’ jaw tightened. Unlike the late Subaru, he was adept at managing social situations, it was one of his favorite things about himself. The stark contrast was one of the reasons why Subaru irked him the way he did. _They think I’m insane. I have to choose my words carefully._ He broached the subject with as much class as he could muster.

Julius: Beatrice-Sama. I mean this with all due respect, but is there any way you could be… wrong? I’ve searched my memories, and I’m sorting out my mind as best I can. I _lived_ as Sir Subaru, I _died as Subaru_. I’m not wrong about that. I’d stake my life on it.

Beatrice: It is _Betty_ who is not wrong.

She spat the words like venom.

Beatrice: Her contract would be broken if her boy had died, in fact. I recommend you veer away from this morbid conversation. Subaru has been thrown into the dragon’s den as it is, I suppose.

Emilia: I agree, Beatrice, it feels like we’re tempting fate.

Emilia was already feeling upset about having to leave Subaru behind in Vollachia. Even if it was the ‘right’ choice, after this scare it felt like a very wrong thing to do. It wouldn’t do to push their luck and talk about his death.

Ram: As much as Ram dislikes Barasu, he is with Rem right now. We should watch what we say, especially in a place like this.

The hallowed relationship between the Taygeta library and death itself wasn’t something to be trifled with. Julius himself had said so.

Julius: Please, I need you to know what I saw. I need you to help me figure out what in Od’s name happened to my friend. I’d appreciate it if you could just… hear me out. For a moment. It concerns Sir Subaru, but also, all three of you.

Beatrice sighed. She wanted no part in this nonsense.

Anastasia: Pleeaase. I know we didn’t follow ya’ advice. But Julius is havin’ a real hard time. We’ve grown so close after all, we need ta’ be able to rely on each other.

She looked at Beatrice with the largest puppy eyes she could muster. Heck, it worked in negotiations with Fellows. Maybe it could work on the spirit. Besides, it was all she had left in her.

Beatrice: Ugh! Fine I suppose. Tell Betty what you saw for your idiocy!

 _Holy shit, did that actually work?_ Anastasia bowed her head, in a normal situation this would have left Julius conflicted. His mistress, the future queen of Lugnica was bowing, but to a great spirit. Which had priority? Julius had other things on his mind at the moment.

Anastasia: Thank ya kindly. We appreciate your patience with us.

Julius: I appreciate it spirit-sama. I appreciate all of you listening to me, as crazy as this sounds. I owe it to his memory.

Ram: _Ram_ would appreciate it if you could keep your insanity to yourself.

She was bristling, her outburst, while kept under relatively quiet control, was sharp enough to send shivers down Julius’ spine. 

_Barasu, you better not— No. Beatrice-Sama swore on it._

Emilia: It’s ok Ram, we’re just figuring out what happened to Julius, you heard Beatrice right? We don’t have anything to worry about.

Ram: I heard Beatrice-Sama, but I’ve also heard enough of this man’s— 

She couldn’t say bullshit in front of Emilia. They didn’t have that kind of relationship.

Ram: —lunacy. I will be preparing dinner. Downstairs.

The pink-haired Oni spun on her heels and walked out of the library. She kept her anger to herself, as best as she was capable, though she was shaking. 

_Barasu you idiot, scaring that girl half to death. Nobody needs to waste their time worrying about you._

Ram punched a wall.

_You’re hundreds of leagues away, and I need to trust YOU with my Sister? What a joke._

Ram felt alone. 

_Do you think you can just forget Rem, then waltz her right out of here when she should be waking up?_ Ram didn’t have anyone left she could turn to. The one person she could trust, who’d always been there right on time had been whisked away. Right when she needed someone, anyone.

_Even I have my limits, Barasu, making me stop a Sin Archbishop to get her back, then just leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces?_

She was exhausted from her fight. She was scared for her sister. She had been so excited for the day she could meet Rem. No-one would help her now.

_I can’t trust anyone here, I was a fool to trust you. It was humiliating to have to put all my faith in you, and look where that got me._

Anastasia, along her scarf and the child assassin could barely be trusted. Emilia wasn’t her friend yet, not really.... the half-elf was her superior. She had thought more of Julius, but he’d acted like a complete fool. Just like Barasu. Now he was spewing nonsense, she couldn’t rely on him. And Beatrice just didn’t care.

_You were supposed to introduce us. You promised you’d bring my sissy back._ _You swore you’d be here for us._ _Your only talent was good timing._ Ram felt lost. She stumbled and braced herself against the wall. Her unsung pillar of support had been swept out from under her. 

_Where are you when Ram needs you for once?_

Her thoughts trailed away as she sat down. Maybe Julius was right. Maybe he was dead.

_Where is your good timing now?_

Ram didn’t cry. But the knots in her stomach grew into a dense mesh.

____________________________________

Julius had finally stopped apologizing to those left in the Taygeta Library.

Julius: I will have to ask her forgiveness at dinner tonight.

Meili: Aww don’t worry she’s just got her panty’s in a twist because she’s worried about blue onee-san and nasty-eyed oni-san.

Emilia: Meili! That’s too vulgar an expression for a young lady!

She wagged her finger at the child.

Emilia: Julius, she isn’t entirely wrong. It’s not your fault, but apologizing is not a bad idea. Ram’s a lot like you, both of you play around with Subaru, and try and get him aaaallll riled up. But inside you like him, don’t you?

Julius: Yes. I considered Sir Subaru a good friend. Failing to tell him is one of the greatest shames of my life.

Beatrice: Betty has had enough of her Subaru being referred to in the past tense I suppose, get on with your story or I will go watch Ram make dinner.

Julius: Before I begin, I must ask Anastasia-sama and Meili as well to join her. 

Anastasia: Why tha’ hell should I?

Julius: What I saw… it seems to involve a complex internal matter in the Emilia camp.

Anastasia: So? What do I care? Yer my knight, after all, I can just order you ta’ tell me later.

Julius: Please my Lady, I can’t bear to betray any more friends today.

Anastasia thought for a bit then sighed.

Anastasia: Alright, I’m goin. This is a one-time thing Julius-kun, just cause you got all messed up fer me. Come on lil’ killer.

Meili: Awww what? Why do I have to hang out with that pink sourpuss? I’m a member of the camp! A very important figure!

Julius: This isn’t a story for children.

Meili: I carried you all across the Auguria sand dunes and fought naked onee-san to, well, not the death but… me and Oni-san beat a great mabeast back into a baby!

She presented Smaula the small red scorpion to Julius, who pulled his head away as it struck at him. Even in this form bits of Shaula’s personality, primarily orneriness to anyone who wasn’t Subaru or Meili, bled through. 

Emilia: Thank you for all you’ve done for us, we couldn’t have conquered the Tower without you. But I agree with Julius.

Meili: I’ve killed more people than I can count! I can handle a bit of guts and gore.

Emilia: That was before. This is now. From now on you’re living like a normal girl, that means no murder, and no listening to violent stories.

Meili: That sounds so boring!

Beatrice: Go to Ram before Betty becomes angry, in fact. Your innocence means less than nothing to Betty, but this is taking far too long I suppose.

When Meili had finally sulked out of hearing distance, Julius recounted his story.

Julius: I… I was thrown into circumstances I did not understand. So forgive me if some things don’t make sense. But it all started… Well, in the beginning, I was born in a tomb, no that can’t be right, can it?

Julius put his hand to his temple. His head was hurting, none of it made any sense. All he knew was the fact that he had been Natsuki Subaru, and that his friend had died the most horrible death he could imagine.

Julius: The book started with Subaru as he is now, an adult, or is he a teenager? I wasn’t born, nor did I live through his childhood like in the other book.

Beatrice: This is sounding fishier by the second I suppose.

Julius ignored her, he had to get his thoughts out.

Julius: I awoke next to Miss Emilia— 

Emilia: Me? 

Julius: Yes, Emilia-Sama. We were in a tomb of some sort, I… can’t remember exactly. But you were taking a Trial in order to free the little village, what was it called?!

Emilia: A trial? The Sanctuary maybe?

Beatrice: Don’t fuel his paranoid fantasy, in fact!.

Julius: Yes! It was the Sanctuary, we were in a small village of demi-humans. Roswaal was injured and Emilia, you were... in a bad state from the Trials. I don’t pretend to understand what was going on, but I felt a terrible sense of urgency. Something bad was going to happen in the mansion, and I had to do something about it.

Emilia: Thaaaat is right, Subaru had to save everyone in the mansion from Elsa and Meili. Ummmm, Beatrice…

The half-elf’s face was twisted in worry.

Hearing Emilia’s response, Julius perked up in excitement. _I’m not going insane._ Although he didn’t know what to think or feel, he _needed_ them to believe him. Not just for Subaru’s memory, but for his own sanity as well.

Emilia: ...this is sounding reaaally scary. Julius shouldn’t know about Sanctuary or the trials! Roswaal said we weren’t allowed to talk about it! It was a ‘camp secret’ and we all promised.

Beatrice was unconvinced, but the furrow on her brow deepened from something that wasn’t just a distaste for Julius. Something unsettling was creeping into her heart.

Beatrice: Quiet girl. We’ll listen to his story, if events match up perhaps, JUST perhaps, something odd is going on in these books I suppose. But we can’t do that if you keep priming his mind with events as they occurred.

Julius: I talked with a small lady, a half-elf like you Emilia, and met with… Garfiel.

The knight shuddered at the name. He’d met the young warrior before and had a good first impression. _Young, brash, but full of potential._ The knight could no longer parse the fear he experienced as Subaru from his real-world knowledge of Garfiel as a sweet and reckless kid. In the book, he had been a monster.

Emilia was becoming increasingly upset. But this time she kept herself quiet. _Half-elf, he means Ryuzu, and how could he know that Garfiel was against us in the Sanctuary_ . _I don’t like this one bit..._

Julius told them the bits and pieces of the time in Sanctuary that he could remember —-Garfiel had trapped Subaru under the suspicion that he was a witch-cultist, and Subaru had confirmed with Roswaal that Beatrice didn’t own a copy of The Gospel. He paused for a period before pulling himself together to explain Garfiel’s attack and the deaths of the Arlam villagers at the boy's hands. That Otto was torn in half with a swipe of the beast’s paw.

 _This story is sooooooo disquieting to hear, but what was I worried about?_ Emilia thought as she twirled her hair. _The events are so different!_ She felt warm relief wash over her. _Garfiel would never kill anybody innocent, especially Otto! He had never put Subaru in jail either._

Julius: And somehow… I survived. Excuse me, I mean to say that Subaru survived. Have I been talking in the first person this whole time?

Emilia: It would have been rude to interrupt you.

Julius: That’s a bit embarrassing. But Subaru did survive Garfiel’s attack. We woke up in the Tomb again, but this time you weren’t there Emilia. Nobody was there. Everyone was just _gone_.

He bit his lip until it bled, just now realizing _why_ everyone in Sanctuary had disappeared. There had been no time to think about it. No mental room to put the gory jigsaw pieces together, his mind had been emotionally bottlenecked by agony.

Julius: I...we... Subaru left the Tomb. It was silent in the snow.

Beatrice: Betty does not like this, in fact.

She knew what snow in the Sanctuary would beget. What Roswaal’s sinful lust would’ve unleashed had it not been for her and her contractor. And she hadn’t fully appeared in the story.

Julius was scratching at his arms, staring at the floor. The nervous tick became more and more apparent. He could feel them. Crawling under his skin.

Julius: And I saw a... white rabbit.

He looked up at them and Emilia nearly flinched away from the desperation in his face. He had to get her to understand, to get it off his chest, maybe then he would stop remembering. 

_The rodents were digging in his flesh._

Julius: I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, BUT HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID!

Emilia: Calm down Julius, it’s ok. It’s ok, none of this really happened.

Julius: DON’T TELL ME IT DIDN’T HAPPEN DAMN IT! I saw it happen I watched it happen I FELT IT HAPPEN!

He was hyperventilating. The man put a hand to his chest to compose himself.

Julius: I… I _touched_ the thing. I tried to PET it.

Emilia hadn’t responded to his outburst. He didn’t mean it. Knowing anything about the Great Rabbit, she could guess what happened next. Emilia put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. Whatever he had seen traumatized him out of his normal, respectable self.

Julius: And POP! Off went my fingers! And then my hand! And then the tendons in my wrist, the skin on my ankle, the flesh of my cheeks, poof! Gone! 

Julius began laughing and tears poured down his cheeks.

Julius: They were swarming me, on top of me, ripping bits off, robbing me of my flesh. IT WAS MINE! My body! My bits…. And they took it from me, crawling around inside of me _stealing_ all my pieces! It hurt, it hurt it hurt it HURT! It hurt so bad I thought I was going to die… 

Emilia’s hand was over her mouth, Beatrice was sitting in silence. Her stoicism was masking internal anger, just imagining what fate her Subaru could have been subjected to if she wasn’t there. How close it might have been if her contractor hadn’t the wits to counteract Roswaal, the assassins, Garfiel, and the Rabbit at the same time. He was a man of great fortune, for whom the stars were always aligned...

Julius: But I didn’t die, not until they had crawled up my…. 

He was biting his well-manicured nails down to the quick, peeling the few hangnails left from his battle with Reid off his own flesh. At this point, the image of a royal guard was stripped away, replaced by flowing tears and the face of a scared child.

Julius: ...not until they chewed their way inside of me. It took so long. Thinking back, maybe it took a minute. But it felt like as long as my entire lifetime.

Emilia took his hands into her own, and the remnants of her immense mana pool returned the skin back to his fingers.

Julius: And then, long after I had wished for death I finally, finally died. 

Beatrice: You may be comforted by the truth that this was a delusion, in fact. If your story is right, it means that Subaru was born in the Sanctuary nearly two years ago and died within a day. The events in Sanctuary have long since passed, and Betty and her contractor have already dealt with the Great Rabbit. It cannot hurt anyone anymore I suppose.

Emilia: It sounds a little harsh to say delusion, but you were confused and saw something terrible. It must have been a mistake.

_But how could he have known about what happened in Sanctuary…_

Julius: Nothing could make up what that felt like. If I’m insane, it’s because of what I felt as Natsuki Subaru, not the other way around. I don’t know why the book showed him dying so long ago, and why things differed between what you saw and what he experienced. But Subaru _was_ consumed by the great Rabbit.

Beatrice: I don’t believe you, in fact.

Julius: If you don’t believe me, the proof is right here.

He pointed to the book with a shaking finger. In his broken mindstate, he would trade anything to be proven right. Even his friend's sanity. He would do anything. _They just need to read, then they’ll understand!_

Beatrice: I will not read that cursed tome, it was Betty who told you not to touch it in the first place!

Julius: Then I will buy a headstone for him on my own. I will honor his loss alone until at long last you realize he is not coming back. But it is _wrong_ for his friends not to know. It’s _wrong_ for him to die like that and have his agony be ignored. It’s wrong! You have two choices. Continue on with your festering doubt. Or you can read that book, and never be the same.

Emilia: Beatrice, Julius, I think something weeeiiird _is_ going on here. I trust you, Beatrice, I don’t believe Subaru is dead. But I know Julius’ story had things in it he couldn’t have known about unless he actually saw something.

Beatrice: Perhaps he had heard things that our bumbling Minister of Internal affairs let slip in his drunkenness. Anastasia’s information network is vast in fact. His story sounds like the fevered dreams of a bedridden child I suppose, composed of bits of things he heard secondhand. His story makes no sense.

Julius: Beatrice-sama, we both know that nothing about Sir Subaru makes any sense. He spoke in riddles that no-one understood. He knew things that he couldn’t, things he shouldn’t. The witch-factors, his miasma. He remembered Rem, he remembered me. And now this. Something is going on. 

Julius reflected on his memories of the boy’s unexplainable feats. _He had known everything about Petelguese and cornered the untrackable, untraceable archbishop at every turn._

Beatrice: He is just an amazing contractor, in fact. People don’t understand Betty’s Subaru because of his greatness I suppose!

Emilia: Subaru is reaaaally astounding. But Beatrice, we don’t know anything about him. What happened in his past to make him so... odd? You’ve seen the sad look in his eyes, he always says the most morbid things in passing. Where is he from? He’s never told us. Subaru always changed the subject when anyone asks. 

_It’s reaaaaally frustrating for me. How can he say that he loves me and never tell me about his past? Doesn’t he trust me?_ The answer she found in her heart hurt her deeply.

Emilia: And he’s always been there for everyone, right when they need him, with some trick that saves us from impossible situations.

_The loothouse, the Ulgarm, the White Whale, the Witch-Cult’s attack on Arlam Village, the attack on the mansion, the Great Rabbit-Preistella-Regulus-the bears in the dunes-the Pleiades obelisk trial-the archbishops of gluttony-the..._

Julius: Yes, yes! Sir Subaru’s been hiding something!

Beatrice: After all he’s done, you two still don’t trust him! Where is your loyalty I suppose!

Julius: That’s not what I mean!

Emilia: I do trust him, I trust him with everything. How can I not? He’s my friend, my knight... 

_How can I not trust him, with all these warm, confusing feelings in my heart?_

Emilia: I just don’t know if he trusts me. We’ve been ignoring it for a long time, because we trust him, but something _is_ going on. Something _has_ been going on since the first day I met him. There are too many things that don’t make sense, why are there so many books here with the same name on them? Why do they look so much like the doodles he likes to draw? I don’t like thinking that he’s been hiding stuff from us… but it’s too creepy. 

Julius wheeled around. _The other books!_ There was more to this story, more that they needed to know. More to understand about the death of his friend. _They hold the truth._

Beatrice denied him in a last, ditched effort to maintain the illusion that Subaru was just a boy, just an amazing boy who had saved her. That there was nothing concerning, or possibly sinister, hanging over him. _He’s just… special, in fact._

Beatrice: If what you’re saying is true, idiot knight, then Subaru has died more than 40 times in fact. Does that sentence make any sense to you, in fact?

Julius: You don’t have to convince me that what I saw made no sense, that it contrasts with what I know about the real world. That I saw Subaru here yesterday alive and in the flesh.

Julius harnessed all the conviction inside of him and defended what he was certain to be true. In a place he did not know, in a way he could not comprehend, Natsuki Subaru had died. If this was Subaru’s book, then the others were too. If it was between believing that his experience with the rabbit was a fantasy, or that through whatever circumstances, Subaru was able to leave behind more than one book of the dead, it was an easy choice. He placed his faith in the Library.

Julius: Spirit-sama, Emilia-sama. With all due respect, you aren’t arguing with me. You are arguing against Od Lugna itself.

Julius pointed to the books on the floor. _If I am right, then these books belong to Sir Subaru._

Julius: We can prove this once and for all. Take one from that pile and read it. The mysteries surrounding our friend Sir Subaru, if I’m right, they’re all in those books.

Emilia stared at the pile of books, her unspoken fear mounting. Something was not right, and she prayed with all of her heart that it did not involve her knight. The guilt from leaving him in Vollachia had already weighed her down. She needed to know he was safe, for certain. She needed to know more about him. Emilia would pay any price.

She gulped.

Emilia: Ok. I’ll do it.

She picked up a tome from the ground, and with trembling hands, the half-elf Emilia pulled back the cover.

…………………………………

Far underground sealed in a crypt, a calamitous war waged between two people, trapped in one unstable mind. In the internal chaos a small, bright light stood against an ocean of darkness.

_For once, listen to me! We can’t do this!_

The light flickered like a candle in a storm, but it did not go out. 

_It will destroy him! The savepoint has changed, there’s no going back and saving them this time!_

_______________________________________________________

**Present**

Subaru awoke tied to the same bed, with the same morning sun shining on him. All his friends' concerned faces were looking over him. He jolted up and realizing the impossible position he was in Subaru commenced screaming. He was no longer concerned with keeping up a good image in front of anyone.

To Return surrounded by his loved ones in a mansion he called home. On a beautiful warm summer day where he should have been playing with Beako in the garden or combing Emilia's hair. His long bitter struggle in Vollachia was over, and right next to him was everything he had dreamt of and died for.

In the face of what Subaru found utterly good in this world, the Witch had turned it all into horror and despair. Subaru had failed. He had reached the Bad End.

His voice was fully restored by the Witch's mystic power. It didn’t take long for him to burn it out again.

Subaru: NO! NO NO NO NO! WHY AM I BACK HERE AGAIN, WHY DID THE RESET POINT CHANGE, WHY YOU JEALOUS BITCH! ANSWER ME, GOD WHY, ANSWER ME FOR ONCE YOU HAG!

His friends were stunned by the outburst.

Rem: The smell, it’s stronger, Subaru, what’s wrong?!

She had come to associate the stench with this boy, her old and her new hero. It had stopped bothering her a long time ago, and was almost comforting now.

But this was too much. Her hand covered her nose. He yelled over her.

Subaru: JUST LET THEM LIVE, HAVEN’T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH. IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT IN YOUR JEALOUS, BLACK HEART, JUST SEND ME BACK FARTHER! BACK TO THE FUCKING TOWER!

Emilia’s hand covered her mouth as she filtered through the subtext of Subaru’s mad rambling.

Emilia: Subaru… you didn’t…. YOU DIDN’T! 

She screamed at him, unable to hold her fear and rage in check. She had lost him again. Failed him for the fifty-first… no, at this point, only Subaru knew how many times. Emilia didn’t know that even Subaru had lost count.

Her knight wasn’t listening to her, he was screaming towards the ceiling. At someone who until now, Emilia had desperately prayed he did not know.

Otto: He didn’t do what?

Subaru: JUST TAKE ME, TAKE ME, LEAVE THEM ALONE!

Beatrice: The miasma has grown, in fact!

Beatrice slammed her fist into the bed, only to make a pathetically small divot in the duvet.

Beatrice: You _did_ it. Didn’t you. Right in front of Betty.

The spirit boiled over in helpless rage. She too had read through the lines.

Beatrice: — You did it AGAIN. 

She screamed with her tiny eyes squeezed shut, her little crown cutely disheveled.

Garfiel: What, what d’he do?! What’d he do!? Someone tell me!

The boy was met with no answer, but his sister gasped in shock. Her grip on his shoulder tightened.

Beatrice: Now there’s another stupid book in that hellish library! Betty’s contractor chose to _die_ , and for what I suppose! Just to see her stupid— 

Subaru closed his eyes. There. She said it. _Die._ He couldn't pull from Invisible Providence again. He knew he wouldn't be able to control it.

To him, Beatrice was already gone. Her soul recycled into Od Lugna. He was just cursed to watch again, to have Returned By Death unable to save her. To live the Bad End. Subaru waited for the screams, for the sound of her small body crumpling to the floor, unable to stand from her crushed heart. He clenched his jaw as hard as he could in a vain attempt to drown out the inevitable sound of blood trickling to the floor. 

Beatrice: I SAW! Betty SAW your corpse in those books! And you MADE HER SEE AGAIN I SUPPOSE! Betty saw your insides where they shouldn’t be, Betty saw you what happened when she didn’t choose you. Betty saw things that can’t have happened… and Betty knows you suffered for _her._

The last line was delivered with more ire and self-hatred than anything she’d told him before. Her voice was like a slap to the face, but… _Why is she still alive?_

He opened one eye, betting against the impossible. It shouldn’t be possible. The darkness of the shadow garden was conditioned into him like a shock collar on a dog, but the black hand of Satella never appeared.

Beatrice: Your actions have hurt Betty, you have made Betty feel broken and useless. You forced Betty in some other time, warped in the past, to see the one thing that would make her want to die again.

Her voice lost the sense of anger but kept all the distress.

Beatrice: It is what I deserve I suppose. Betty has done nothing but disappoint you, and when the time comes she will beg you for forgiveness in fact. But right now… 

Subaru was still in shock, but he finally dared to look into her large, blue eyes. Eyes that were soaking wet, red, and pleading with him.

Beatrice: Right now she needs to tell you she loves you and missed you. She needed to tell you this before anything else, I suppose. And Betty _needs_ to hear it back, in fact. _Please_. Don’t hurt Betty.

Subaru: Beako… _how_ . How are you, _why_ are you alive?

The words came out as a rasping croak, barely audible over the vocal fry. It seemed like in this timeline he had also been destined to scream his voice out. _She said that I had died, she crossed the Witch’s threshold. Where are the black hands? Where is Satella?_ Subaru’s ‘Roswaal’ theory had been blown out of the water.

Beatrice: I’m not sure what you’re getting at I suppose. But Betty is alive because you saved her. From her loneliness in the library, from all the monsters and villains who would have… _may_ have killed her. Betty could go on. However, before we get into other serious matters, Betty needs to confirm that you don’t hate her…. That there’s some chance you will ever love her again.

She began to cry.

Beatrice: That at some point, Betty’s Subaru will want to be her Subaru again!

Subaru managed to barely squeak out a response. He was still in shock that she was still standing, adorably alive in front of him. But he couldn’t see her like this. Right now, her broken heart was his priority.

Subaru: Be-Beako

It was only a whisper

Subaru: Beako. I love you… I can’t say I could never hate you— 

His voice finally left him.

He waved his hands and tried his best to indicate that he didn’t mean it. _Absolutely not what I wanted to end on!_ Subaru cursed his lack of a verbal filter. _It looks like I’m teetering on the Bad End, but I’m not there yet! Don’t Fuck this up Subaru!_

Whenever he tried to say something profound or from the heart, it frequently turned against him.

Beatrice panicked, she looked to the left and the right, and her eyes settled on the half-elf girl who had been waiting so patiently, just a few feet away.

Beatrice: Come here! Come here, you slow girl!

Her arms were waving frantically, smacking at Emilia while attempting to hurry her along.

Beatrice: Betty needs to know what he was going to say!

Emilia nodded and hurried over to her bound knight. She put her palm over his throat.

Emilia: Subaru, we have a lot to talk about. I need you to promise you’re not going to shout over us again. We need to talk to you, and you need to listen to us. Ok? Pleeeaase?

Subaru nodded.

Her gentle healing soothed his esophagus. Lines of white magic traced down his body and curled around his torn wrists and renewed them. Healing drains both the caster and the patient, and combined with emotional exhaustion the subtle drop in energy brought Subaru out of his discordant mindset. He began to think clearly.

_I don’t know why Satella hasn’t killed them. But they know, at least Beatrice and Emilia do. But if they understand that I have Return by Death, It looks like I have a slim chance for a Best End._

Subaru tested his vocal cords.

Subaru: Beako, I’m sorry, whenever I try to say something important words just flow out, and they always sound awful. I… could hate you. If you abandoned me, if you truly hated me and never wanted to see me again I would hate you back.

Beatrice: Betty could never! Never, not ever in fact!

Subaru: That’s why it means so much more that I do love you. I love you because of who you are, and what you do for me. You _chose_ me. Me, of all people. Someone who’s completely useless, except for one stupid little trick. And you still picked me to be your big brother.

Beatrice huffed.

Beatrice: Beatrice is not young enough to be a little sister I suppose…. And don’t ever let Betty catch you saying there’s nothing that’s special about you. Betty would only pick the best _They_ in the world to contract with I suppose. She wouldn’t break four hundred years of stubborn solitude for anything less.

She clambered onto the bed and fell onto his chest. She put her head against him.

Beatrice: Betty waited for almost half a millennia in one room. But she feels as though she waited for you to come back a dozen times longer, I suppose. She has waited more time than she could stand to just listen for your heartbeat. Betty needs to make sure for herself that you are alive, in fact.

The little spirit listened to the thumping in his chest. It was strained, still under the effects of anxiety and terror. But she listened to it for long enough to tell it was slowing.

When she was satisfied that he was really, truly there alongside her, she held his hand. Beatrice drained him of his accumulated and toxic mana.

Beatrice: Betty has wanted to fulfill this part of her contract every minute of every day since you left.

Her tears stained his nightgown.

Subaru instinctively reached to pat her head but his hands were tugged back by the restraints.

Subaru: Emilia-tan.

She perked up, blushing. _Emilia-‘tan’._

Emilia: Beatrice isn’t the only one who’s been waiting for you to come back. I’ve been waiting too. I waited for so long to hear you say that… 

She too teared up, but remained composed and wiped them away.

Subaru: I’ve been wanting to say it at least a million times as much as you’ve been wanting to hear it, EMT. 

He raised his arms as high as they would go to give her a ‘V’ for victory and tilted his head to the ropes.

Subaru: Can you do anything about these? Being tied up in my own home, by Emilia-tan no less, I feel like I skipped past the boss battle and found myself in the after-credits scene! 

Emilia: I don’t really understand, but Garfiel’s the one who tied the knot.

Subaru: Critical damage! And did you have to say it like that?!

The half-elf looked away, conflicted.

Emilia: I can’t undo your bindings Subaru. I trust you with everything in my life—- 

Subaru: So please untie me!

Emilia: Except for one thing, I can’t trust you with what’s most important to me in the whole world.

Subaru: What can’t you trust me with? Is it Puck’s crystal? I swear I didn’t mean to drop it!

Emilia stroked his head and shook her own. 

Emilia: Stop making bad jokes Subaru. It’s _you_ , dummy. 

She had so many feelings that had taken her so long to understand. It was finally time to tell him.

Emilia: After what you told me on the hill by Flugel’s tree, did you know that every day I felt alone? Why was I so lonely when I finally had someone to love me? Why did it get worse when I learned that I loved you too? 

Subaru’s cheeks tinged pink to match Emilia’s. If either of them had been paying attention, they would have seen a blue Oni staring daggers into Emilia.

Subaru: Emilia, if I hurt you that bad with my confession you should have told me. I’m getting mixed signals, if you give a guy mixed signals he might get the wrong idea. So be careful with me ok? Let me down gently.

He wouldn’t believe it. There was no correct timeline in which Emilia loved him.

But the half-elf ignored him, she was too far gone to care about his self-doubts. Emilia had been drowning in the simmering feelings within her heart since before she could understand them. Now that they boiled over it was all she could do not to yell her confession at him.

Emilia: It hurt me, and it hasn’t stopped hurting, even now that you’re back. And who are you to do this to me! Who are you to make me feel this way?

As she let off steam, she was calmed and her breathing slowed. She felt embarrassed, but that light discomfort paled in comparison to the catharsis of finally, finally telling him how she felt.

Subaru was too stunned to speak. He had prepared a thousand cool lines for this moment, prepared for the unlikely fantasy that this would ever happen. He could find them nowhere in his mind.

Emilia: It’s… it’s always been you. Even if I didn’t know it, it’s been you since the day I found you in the alley.

Subaru: E...Emilia-tan, we met at the loot house remember?

She smiled as best she could. And pulled his head in close to her chest.

Emilia: I don’t know if memories fade, if emotions change when you… when bad things happen.

She couldn't pull herself to say it. Not now, not in the middle of this beautiful, important moment.

Emilia: But I want to believe that love transcends everything, even if it becomes lost. Even if it’s harder to find.

Subaru: Hey… hey hey hey. What did you say? I misheard something that you definitely didn’t say, something im-impossible.

Emilia: Whenever you are hurt or sad, please come to me and I will heal you. No matter what, ok? No matter what happens… I’m going to save you.

He remembered those words, as they were his own.

Subaru: Emilia-tan, do you... do really you remember?

She tilted her head down and whispered in his ear.

Emilia: _I never knew how rough it really was_. 

This was the breaking point. His levees overflowed and the spillways of his heart had only one place to go. The emotions fell through his tear ducts and onto Emilia's dress in a great flood.

Subaru: All this time, I couldn’t tell anyone!

The words came between sobs.

Subaru: It was my body!

They bubbled through his mouth following no consistency or direction.

Subaru: Over, and over, and over again!

The words came over the sound of his own screams. The haunting sounds of his own deaths played like a soundtrack in his head. _Chains, puking, pleading, crying, crying..._

Subaru: Everyone leaves me behind! I’m the only one to shoulder the burden of all the lost worlds, hold on to the moments we shared, everything we went through! It’s all trapped inside of me! 

As each confession came forth, it left a hole behind. His bottled-up feelings were as much a part of him as his own flesh and bones. And they were being torn out. Leaving raw, bleeding vacancies inside of him. 

Subaru: WHY DIDN’T ANYONE REMEMBER? WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE ME BEHIND?

Emilia: It’s ok Subaru, you’re not going to be left behind anymore. You know, we feel the same way, like you always leave us.

Subaru: I KNOW, EVERYONE’S ALREADY TOLD ME, I’M SORRY OK?!

The implications were lost on her, for the time being.

Subaru: I thought this was supposed to be an adventure, it was a magical world, I was supposed to be a hero… It was like seeing heaven for someone useless like me! 

And then Subaru said something he wasn’t even sure he truly believed. But the thought had stayed with him in the corner of his mind since that death so long ago. When he first found the source of the sound of chains.

Subaru: But I was sent to Hell!

The empty sockets of feeling were raw, like the exposed nerves of lost teeth. Horrible memories of severed limbs and agony began to fill them. Dead faces of his friends, fueled by his complex of inadequacy trickled into the voids. Subaru was quickly descending into madness.

Subaru: It was a punishment! I'm here to be punished for my sloth, punished for my greed, punished for taking my parents' love and throwing it back in their faces! And I deserve it all! I couldn’t save anyone, I can’t do anything by myself! I failed over, and over and over again. You died, all the villagers died, Rem lost her memories… all because I couldn’t sort out my feelings for you from my own feelings of inadequacy! All because I was a slave to my own self-important delusions, I let you all die because I couldn’t give up my pathetic Isekai fantasy!

Petelguese squirmed inside of him, and Invisible Providence was beginning to lose the battle to Unseen Hands. The shadowy fingers pulled at the remaining strings of his sanity which frayed to breaking. As they threatened to snap, Subaru felt sources of warmth beside him.

Two pairs of arms squeezed him tight. Long, white arms in flowing sleeves pulled him in. Small, fragile arms in frilled clothing closed around his chest.

The Unseen Hands inside of him relinquished. Their madness ebbed away and the strings inside him stood, however marred, intact.

Subaru: I love you guys, so much. But there’s something I’ve been waiting a long time to do. I… I can finally say it. Everyone, I have something really important to get off my chest.

Otto: Please tell us Subaru, we let you have your time with Beatrice and Emilia. But this is all very confusing. I think Emilia, Beatrice and maybe Ram know something, they told Frederica but Garfiel, Rem and I are still in the dark. I just, I have to ask, why did you run away from us in the capital? Why did you… why did Emilia catch you with that knife!

Subaru looked down from Otto’s eyes with a hint of shame.

Subaru: It’s a very long story, and it’s not going to make any sense. But I’ll finally be able to tell you!

Emilia: We’re listening, Subaru. I’m still mad you never told us, and don’t you ever, EVER hurt yourself like that again. I won’t forgive you if you do. But if you tell me right now, I’ll forgive you for what happened when you... first woke up. And I’ll forgive you for not telling us until now.

Garfiel: Cap’n, go ahead. We swear we’ll believe you.

He threw a thumbs up at Subaru.

Otto: I’m glad you feel that you can trust us now, Natsuki-san.

Subaru: No you don’t get it, it’s not about trusting you...

Meili: Oni-san, just spill it already.

Rem: I… I mean Rem doesn’t understand. I don’t understand anything that’s been going on. Why did you try and hurt yourself? What’s happening? 

Subaru: Well then, Rem, I’m so glad that I can explain it to you!

He pulled in as much air as he could into his lungs, ready to shout it to the world. There would be nothing like this moment, maybe even Emilia’s confession wouldn’t compare. 

Subaru: I can Return by D— 

The world froze. He was plunged into the throes of the shadow garden, with a familiar lady in mourning leaning over him. The Witch of Envy whispered to him. She told him two things while she squeezed his heart. One of which he had heard from her hundreds of times, she sounded manic and desperate as she had always been.

“I love you.”

She paused briefly, then said something he had never expected. Satella’s voice sounded clear and clean. Like she had a brief moment of clarity.

“I’m sorry. She’s angry now, she’s too strong. Saving them was all I could do.”

The world snapped back to life.

Subaru: AAAGHH!

He clutched his chest. 

Emilia: What’s wrong!

Rem: Subaru-kun! Why does he smell again? Someone, heal him he’s hurting! 

Beatrice: The miasma, it’s grown again in fact! You didn’t! SWEAR TO BETTY YOU DIDN’T! 

Garfiel: What’s happen’n to Capn’?!

He looked to his sister, who only shook her head. Then pleadingly at Otto. The merchant had also lost his wits.

Otto: I don’t know, I don’t know!

Subaru had no words that could pierce through his crushing disappointment. Nothing he could say would convey his feelings, the fear of the Witch’s black hands could never be habituated. He couldn’t even respond to his friends.

The Witch had never been gentle with him.

The shadows in the corners began to move.

His friends began to scream.

And he could only cry, cry his lungs out, and he did not stop crying.


End file.
